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‘More stunts, Maverick!’ Even Tom Cruise couldn’t save the Queen’s hellish jubilee horsefest

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Gallery: 20 words that will make you sound smart (Espresso)Only one horse-based segment stood out. When the Azerbaijani contingent arrived, hurling fire around and doing handstands on horseback, there was a moment of actual excitement.

But that’s the level of daredevilry it takes to entertain a television audience in 2022 and, short of literally firing horses out of cannons, it’s a hard one to sustain.

The horstravaganza wasn’t just horses for the sake of it, though. No, it was all in aid of the throughline of the evening, which was an attempt to retell 500 years of history in what felt like real time.

Helen Mirren, dressed as Queen Elizabeth I, gave a speech about the Spanish Armada. Two fibreglass boats were dragged across the arena, the Spanish one getting booed beyond all comprehension by the audience.

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