‘Red One’ review: Chris Evans and The Rock kill Christmas with zero-star, $250 million turd

nypost.com:

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Chris Evans. If you see it, yule regret it. Our two hours of holiday drear begin with the title, which refers to the POTUS-like code name that the US government gives Santa Claus.

How magical.Kris Kringle, played by J.K. Simmons as a push-up-obsessed gym rat, is kidnapped after a freelance hacker named Jack (Evans) inadvertently reveals the location of the North Pole to an evildoer.So, Santa’s bodyguard, Callum (Johnson, obviously), enlists Jack to rescue Santa and “save Christmas.”Save Christmas?

They’ve mercilessly killed it.Before the Dec. 24 abduction, Callum, who runs E.L.F. (Enforcement, Logistics and Fortification — ugh) is one day away from retirement. “I love the kids,” he sighs. “It’s the grown-ups that are killing me.”For the first time, we’re told the naughty list is longer than the nice list.

Callum does not explain why, but it is probably connected to CVS padlocking mouthwash.“Red One,” misdirected by Jake Kasdan, then oozes the usual seasonal pine sap.“Somewhere inside every grown-up is the kid they once were,” Simmons’ Santa replies as if in a hypnotic trance.These are the sort of canned Hallmark lines uttered in movies meant for young children.